Dead Pirate Sketch
by Moniter
Summary: A crossover between Tenchi Muyo and Monty Python's Flying Circus. I'm sorry, I don't know why I did this.


Re-edited to remove glaring format problems.

I don't own _Tenchi Muyo!_, or _Monty Python's Flying Circus_.

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_Okayama Prefecture, 1845 _

It was late, and Nikolai was eager to return home. The Polish merchant sat behind the table in his booth giggling to himself. He was a tricky one, selling those old bones to that Colonial pig. Others had came to this country looking to find their fortunes in tea and silk, and Nikolai found his fortune ripping them off. The locals had told a story of an ancient demon that came down from the heavens in a ball of fire, and that it was buried in a deep cave. The old man who lived near the cave said it was a pirate, but what just what kind of pirate came from the sky? The cave was sealed off when Nikolai found it, but no matter, he just dug through from the other side. As it was, all he found was the body of some woman wearing a funny mask, which was enough to sell to any British trader. He had told the gentleman he had sold it to that it was a pirate, so the old man who lived nearby would back him up. Of course he had neglected to mention that the pirate was dead. Nobody wants a dead pirate after all.

Not long after, Nikolai was about to go off for lunch when, much to his dismay, there was the man he had sold the dead pirate to. And he was carrying an upsettingly pirate-shaped burlap sack over his shoulder. Nikolai could even see the corpse's vivid blue hair sticking out of the bag. Quickly, Nikolai ducked down behind the table, but it was too late. He had been spotted and the angry man walked up to Nikolai's booth and said, "Hello, I wish to register a complaint" Nikolai froze, what could he say after all? "Hello, miss?" Nikolai, forgetting his fear stood up and said,

"What do you mean 'miss'?"

The British man blinked, stared intently at Nik and said, "I'm sorry. I have a cold. I wish to register a complaint."

Nik tried to get up and leave "Uh, sorry. We're closing for lunch"

"Never mind that my lad. I wish to complain about this pirate, which I purchased just not half a hour ago from this very boutique."

"Ah, yes. The uh… the Norwegian Blue. What's…what's wrong with it?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with it my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it."

Looking back, Nik never could explain the next words that came out of his mouth, but he said "She's not dead. She's resting."

Obviously, the man was not buying it. "Look matey, I know a dead pirate when I see one. And I'm looking at one right now."

"No no she's not dead, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable girl, the Norwegian Blue, aint she, ay? Beautiful hair!"

"Her hair don't enter into it. She's stone dead."

"No no. Sh-she's resting."

The man stared hard at Nik, and finally said "Alright, if she's resting I'll wake her up." The gentleman hoisted the bag up onto the counter and began yelling at it "Hello, Miss Pirate. I've got a nice fresh cuttle fish here for you, if you…"

For the second time that day, Nik's actions surprised and worried himself. He punched the bag and said "There she moved."

The gentleman stared at Nik, with a look of utter disbelief on his face. "No she didn't. You hit the bag"

"I never!"

"Yes you did, you hit the bag!"

"I never did anything!"

The gentleman untied the bag and pulled it off the withered mummy, and continued yelling at it. "HELLO POLLY! WAKEY WAKEY! It's time for your nine o'clock alarm call"

He then grabbed the pirate's head and began banging it on the counter. He smacked her about the face violently, picked her up and threw her on the ground. Giving Nik a smug look, the man picked the pirate up off the floor and said "Now that's what I call a dead pirate"

Trying to find an excuse Nik replied "She's stunned"

"Stunned?!"

"Yeah, the Norwegian Blue's stun easily"

"Now look, don't play the slippery eel with me. That pirate is definitely deceased. And when I purchased it not half an hour ago you assured me that the reason for it's total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long battle"

"Well she's uh… she's probably pining for the fjords"

Pause

"PINING FOR THE FJORDS?!! What kind of talk is that? And why did she flat on her back the moment I got her home?"

"Well… the Norwegian blue prefers keeping on it's back. Remarkable girl isn't she major? Beautiful hair!"

"Look, tosh. I took the liberty of examining that pirate when I got home and I discovered that the only reason she had been standing up in the first place was because she had been nailed to a support frame"

"Well of course she had been nailed there. If I hadn't nailed her down she would have muscled up to you, ripped that bag apart with her bare hands and VOOM!"

"Voom?"

"Yes, VOOM"

The man leaned on the counter and said "Mate, this pirate wouldn't voom if you put four million volts through her. She's bleeding demised."

Nik replied "No no. She's pining…"

"She's not pining, she's passed on! This pirate is no more! She's ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet her maker! She's a stiff, bereft of life she rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed her to that stand she'd be pushing up the daisies! She's off the twig! She's kicked the bucket! She's shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleeding choir invisible! She's fucking snuffed it! Vis-a-vie, the metabolic processes she's at her lot! All statements of the effect of 'this pirate is a going concern' are henceforth, inoperative. THIS IS AN EX-PIRATE!"

Nik no longer had a leg to stand on, he had to come clean. "Well I guess I'd better replace it then." and with that, Nik went into the back of his booth.

The man said, more to himself than anyone else "If you want to get anything done in this country you have to complain till you're blue in the mouth"

Nik came back in and said "Well, I've just been around the back, and we're fresh out of pirates"

"I see, I see. I get the picture"

Hoping to placate the man, Nik said "I've got a slug"

The man's head snapped around and faced Nik "A slug? Does it talk?"

"Well, no"

"THEN IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, ISN'T IT?"

Nik began to say something but the man cut him off "Forget it! I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly. Keep your damn pirate!" And with that, he walked off.

Later that day, Nik returned to the old cave and re-buried the pirate. It was too much work trying to sell a dead pirate, and he didn't need it cluttering up his booth.

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A hundred and fifty years later, Tenchi Masaki was walking though his living room, while his friends were watching old BBC reruns on TV. As he passed Ryoko, he could have sworn that he heard her say "Now, why in the Hell is this familiar?"


End file.
